I have gotten a lot of positive feedback from my post yesterday. It means the world to me to be able to share my story without being judged. As I look toward the huge cabinet project ahead of me (that I plan on starting during The Bachelor tonight) I would like to share some more of my postpartum experience. I have become very self-aware in the past few months. I scan and evaluate every thought and many times wish that my entire thought process was different. I cannot tell you how many times I have sat in therapy crying, telling my therapist that I wish I had an “easier” kind of OCD. If only I had the OCD where I wanted to clean or if only my OCD mind was scared of other people hurting the kids instead of fearing myself. I have wished and wished that my disorder was different. But it isn’t.
Postpartum OCD is now part of my life experience. I can never undo it, but I can decide what to do with what I know now. What I know is I love my kids. What I know is that I am stronger than my disease. What I know is that I will get through it, and hopefully help others get through it too. I cannot wish it away, but I can pray.
One of the changes I have made since having OCD is I have begun going to church again. A couple of weeks ago one of the pastor’s spoke of how to pray when you don’t know what to say. He said that you can simply say “God, please help.” I have said some very simple prayers since then. Sometimes I cannot explain what is wrong or how I feel, but I can still pray.
Though many of you have not nor ever will experience OCD the way that I have, I know that I’m not alone in wishing I was different in some way. I think it is a universal human experience to wish on some level that things were different. From wishing your work situation was different to wanting to lose weight more quickly, everyone has wishes. Though I believe in setting goals and achieving them, I also believe in acceptance. I have accepted OCD as part of my story, but also look forward to easier days and am grateful that I will now be able to use my experience to help others like me.
Thanks for reading!